Anemic Faeires Do Not Equal  Vampires
by Lestat's Violinist
Summary: In which a REAL vampire shows Bella exactly what she's missing. III They need to fix the Genres. Where's the one marked "Better than anything S.Meyer could write"? III
1. The Story

**A/N:** _I don't like_ twilight. _I prefer_ Harry Potter.

**Disclaimer:** _I don't own_ Twilight. _I would like to tear it apart, though._

**Warning:** _Character death. *grins evilly*_

* * *

><p>"He's not a real vampire." I scoffed, earning a wide-eyed expression from Bella Swan.<p>

"Wha- I- h-he!" She gaped at me, looking even more unattractive than I thought possible. She started doing that twitchy thing and I got the overwhelming urge to slap her. I didn't though.

"He's. Not. A. Vampire." I repeated, scrunching my nose at the disgusting scent of her blood.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She said, feigning innocence.

I rolled my eyes, "Riiight, and I'm the queen of friggin' England. Your sparkly boy toy is not a vampire. He's an anemic faerie." I declared, folding my arms just under my breasts, "By the way, you are the most poorly written female character I have ever had the displeasure of reading. Those horrid books are twenty-four hours of my eternal life I'll never get back." I glowered at her, "I hate you."

She gaped at me. Again. She looked a lot like that gross fish I used to own that ate its own poo, "You don't even know me!" She protested. I sneered at her, flashing my fangs in a threatening manner. She cringed away from me, making me ridiculously happy.

"Oh, see, that's where you're wrong. I know you're a Mary-Sure that wouldn't know hardship if it bit you in the ass. You moved into your dad's place 'cause your mommy and step-daddy went off to further Phil's career. You moved to Forks even though you hate the cold and wet." I grabbed her by her sleeve and dragged her into the girls' bathroom, "You met Edward in biology, yada, yada, yada, he and his family left, you became a suicidal zombie, jumped off a cliff, he tried to kill himself in Italy 'cause of a _rumor_ sent by Rosalie, and you followed the dumbass there!"

I snarled, "You wonder why daddy won't let you be with your 'true love'?" I used quotey fingers around true love. Ugh, stupid humans. Stupid faeries. Bella was still gaping at me, like only a Mary-Sue could. I growled viciously, "Lemme show you what a _real_ vampire does with a damsel in distress."

And I did.


	2. My Review Response to 'Dumb'

**A/N:** _I know I said that this story was complete but I got a review and I just HAD to thank them! LOL! It just made me laaaaugh! OMG! SO GREAT! Heehee, here's what they said:_

dumb  
>WTF? You think your so badass huh? S. Meyers writes a hell lot better than this piece of fuck if you hated it so much, whyd you read up till BD. Nerd.<p>

_No, I did not edit this post in any way, shape or form. I just copied and pasted. Lol. First off, I'd like to point out that I, in no way, said I thought I was 'badass'. I simply killed Bella. Also, why'd you comment if you were so offended? Seriously, what did my little bit of writings do to you? Awe, I'm so sorry, I put down a bad character. So the heck what? She's a poorly written character. She's set back female standards just by waiting for Edward and depending on him that badly._

_Secondly, "piece of fuck"? Really? Jeez, no wonder you signed in as "dumb". Lol. If you're going to insult me, try something that might actually work, kay? I swear, it's like talking to a ten year old. Though, now that I think of it- this is probably some twelve year old that read the books and has no sense of what good literature is. Go try some Anne Rice or H.P Lovecraft, hon._

_The reason I read to Breaking Dawn (and why the hell would you abbreviate the title? Laaame.) was because I saw it as a train wreck. Y'know, you wanna look away but God help you, you can't. Yeah, it was like that. Except it was a twenty-four hour long train wreck._

_And, yes, I am a Nerd. Thanks for noticing. So, Dumb, thank you for your review. It truly made me laugh the hardest I have all day. Also, thanks for bein' my first flame. I'll forever hold you above a candle. 3_


	3. YAYA!  Lol

_Wow, this story is getting the exact reaction I wanted. Man, it just turned out perfectly! I heard somewhere that all Twilight fans are far less intelligent than other book readers. I set out to prove that that was wrong. The first (or one of the first) review I got was the one I responded to and gave it an entire second chapter. I was kinda disappointed that the first flame I got was just an insult and not an argument. But I went with it. The third and fourth (roughly) reviews were really well thought out!_

_Though, I kinda hate that they weren't signed reviews, but that's alright. It gives me a chance to respond and write this. *smiles* Okie dokie, here we go. This was from Nia:_

**To be honest although I am a firm believer in allowing everyone their opinion  
>I'm not sure this was a productive use of time. I read it because to be honest<br>I found the anemic faerie bit funny and thought it might actually be  
>entertaining in the least but found only that I was impressed that for such<br>immature and childish writing the spelling and grammar were good. I'm also  
>unsure why you decided to put this onto a site where the large majority are<br>twilight fans yet seem to take great offence in a flame. So much so that you  
>would put up an entire chapter about them. I'm all up for people who dislike<br>books/movies etc to write stories but a rushed childish one is a waste of  
>their time and mine when you can use so many angles as I gather you have read<br>the books and have thus seen the many humourous points to be exploited.**

_I hate to be a stickler but, Nia, you spelled 'humorous' wrong. Lol. And you comment on _my_ spelling? Anywho! Onto the reply! *cheesy grin* Lol. I totally love that you found the Anemic Faerie part funny. I heard it from a friend and used it. Actually, lol, she told me that if I didn't use it she'd stuff plot bunnies down my throat until I suffocated on them. XD I didn't really take offense, as I said, the review disappointed me in the fact that it was just an insult._

_This one is from Lilith. (I love your name BTW! I hope you know her Lore!)_

**If you are the vampire in this little thing, you have written yourself into  
>your own fiction: I shall name thee Mary Sue.<br>I have read intelligent, well thought out parodies and satires of books I  
>love; when the satire is well reasoned, I am fine with accepting that some of<br>my favorite stories are not perfect.  
>Jane Eyre can take some critigue, as long as the author who is attempting<br>satire is willing to sacrifice a year to analyzing it, and framing their  
>issues with the book with some care; it is the least such a great book<br>deserves.  
>While S. Meyers does not deserve a year (in my opinion), I believe ANY author<br>deserves more than the five minutes you have given this.  
>If you want respect for your little parodies, show a minimum (if that is all<br>you can manage) of respect to the authors you are going after.**

_Hiya Lilith! I'd like to say that no, I am not the vampire in this. Lol. For one, there's no such thing as vampires. Haven't you heard of first person writing? Anyways, (asides from the misspelling of 'critique' and getting all defensive) your review was funny. I dunno why, I just started giggling. I didn't take five minutes to analyze the book because I've read them and I remember what happened. I don't really think that writing a story requires one to analyze the entire series. Lol._

_Have a fabulous existence y'all!_


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